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July 15th, 2009

01:23 am - Sadness I don't know whats been going on today, but it's like I'm PMS'ing or something.  I've just been feeling really emotional about a lot of really random shit and I've been losing my mind all day making really silly mistakes and forgetting how to count. I just came across some pictures of people who at one point I considered my best of friends.  Particularly Hilary.  And I just started bawling.  WTF is wrong with me? I don't know what happened, but it makes me really sad.  I just saw that one of her good friends that was part of her high school group is engaged.  Austin.  Now, most of her high school friends were kind of a dick towards me and didn't always make me feel very welcomed, but I really liked Austin a lot.  He was very cool and always talked to me and I had a lot of fun hanging out with him when we did our group things.  He always showed a genuine interest in me and my life, and I really appreciated that.  Especially when juxtaposed against her other friends who more or less ignored me most of the time.  I just started looking through all these recent pictures via facebook of Hilary's life and it just broke my heart into a million pieces. How do I go about being remembered? How do I prevent myself from falling through the cracks?  Sure people change and we move on in our different ways, but people that held that much importance in one's life shouldn't be so easily forgotten, right? There should at least be the possibility of the occasional 'hey, how are you, what are you up to these days?" kind of conversation, right? I have never been of the belief of completely cutting ones self from previous selves, previous lives.  Even upon going your separate ways, I would like to think that I still have contacts with people who knew my former self, people I can still talk to when the fancy strikes. Why Hilary and me were such good friends to begin with kind of baffles me.  We were never very much alike and we always had very different views on things, but she was important to me and I was important to her [i hope] and I like to think that even after our more frequent hanging out ended, some form of communication, no matter how intermittent, could have prevailed.  And it's not only hilary.  there are so many others, too.  I don't want this to be a recurring theme in my life. Current Mood: sad

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July 12th, 2009

12:57 am For some reason, I've never really seen myself as being particularly close to my dad's side of the family.  We all get along fine and whatever, but when I was younger I think I felt a little more uncomfortable around them for some reason than with my mom's side of the family.  Now that I'm older, that's a lot different and I'm glad. I have become rather close with two of my cousins on that side, one a couple years older, one a couple years younger and it's really great being able to talk to them about things. This weekend some of my extended family from out of state were in town to visit, and we had a get together at my grandparent's house and it was an absolute riot, and I can't imagine why I didn't feel as close them before.  But they are hilarious.  Everyone makes fun of each other and there's lots of banter and witty retorts and I get to hear ridiculous stories about my dad and aunts and uncles when they were growing up and I really kind of love it.  At one point tonight I was actually laughing so hard I was crying and it has been a really REALLY long time since that has happened. One day I'll have to write the story of how we left my grandpa behind.  It's hilarious, but maybe it wouldn't actually be all that funny to anyone who didn't know him. This weekend also consisted of meeting up with two of my best friends from high school with which I had a ridiculous but none-the-less major falling out with and we haven't talked in five years.  I was incredibly nervous about it and assumed it was going to be at least mostly awkward, but we cleared the air and I had a genuinely great time and I am so glad it happened.  It was a lot of fun.  I had been feeling so badly about everything that had happened because I knew that it was all ridiculous to begin with and it was a great opportunity to start things fresh.  Megan was one of the most important people in my life growing up and her family's house was practically a 2nd home to me.  I think we put a lot of stuff behind us now though and realize that it was all sorts of unneeded crazy and we can move on.  I hope that we will stay in contact and once again become really good friends.  She is an amazing person and I think it is important to have some people in your life who have known you for a long period of time, something that has been very much lacking in my life. Tomorrow is going to consist of a lot of writing and researching and general unpleasantries.  Blergh.  I'm glad that I'm finally actually working on this again though just so that I can get it done.  Life is starting to feel better.  I am starting to feel happy in a more consistent and deeper way, and I am so glad.  The next steps after completing the dissertation will be moving away and finding a more fulfilling and long-term job [current goal: moving away sometime in January, job-wise I'd still like to do something environmental education-related and would still like to do something through americorps, but most of the programs I was looking at through them that I was super interested in start in September, so I'm probably going to need another plan of action].  I'm finally getting kind of excited about what the future will bring.  It's kind of fantastic. Current Mood: determined

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June 24th, 2009

11:17 pm - IT'S OKAY, GUYS I was just being overly dramatic So I was just being really dramatic last post, I'm so sorry.  Things are back on track.  Ed met my parents tonight--we went out to dinner and saw Up and then he came back to our house and ate cake.  It went ridiculously well.  So well that I'm afraid my mom and Ed are going to become besties and run away together, leaving me in the dust.  I guess that's a good thing though, right?  My parents didn't like Bill very much, so I guess that was a sign.  And they really liked Brian #1 and he is a genuinely good guy, so they seem to have pretty good taste. And barring any quick and dramatic turns for the worse of Ed's health, we should still be going to Chicago this weekend.  He seemed to recover incredibly fast, which is a good thing.  I'm just still really nervous that I'm going to end up coming down with it...i feel fine now, but apparently it can take up to 6 weeks for symptoms to start showing up, and when I get sick, I tend to get REALLY sick [i.e. hallucinogenic fevered dreams last year] , so it has the potential of being really rough.  But I'm remaining optimistic. I have to work all day tomorrow, and then I'm going to spend the night in Ann Arbor so we can head out there early in the morning friday and have most of the day there still.  There's a lot I should be doing to get ready for the trip, but I think I'm about to crash.  I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow.  I've never had the opportunity to do anything like this before, and I'm really really stoked about it.  Going on a trip of this caliber with someone I really care about to a really awesome city where we get to do really awesome things...it should be a blast.  Hopefully the weather will cooperate and it won't be rainy or super miserable.

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June 23rd, 2009

01:27 am - I wish my birthday wasn't cursed So pretty much forever, my birthday has always really sucked.  Last year my birthday consisted of doing laundry and I don't even think I even got any calls or anything, really.  I was hoping for this year maybe things would be different.  My parents were going to take me out for dinner and to see Up on wednesday and they were going to meet Edward, and then me and Ed were going to go to Chicago to visit one of his good friends and see The Neo-Futurists and go to the Pride Festival, but apparently Ed has mono which means I'm going to be showing all the symptoms of mono soon enough which means he's probably going to be too sick for any of these shenanigans.  I'm hoping the emphasis is on probably and that maybe he'll start to feel a little better by then, but I think that's really wishful thinking. this is super emo and lame, I know.  its just been kind of a sad day. Good Things from Today: My cat is sleeping next to me and making really adorable cooing noises and twitching When i first got into work today there wasn't really anything to do, so I spent the first part of my shift just playing with a cat that is currently boarding with us and watching Marley and Me, which was better than I had ever expected it to be [i didn't watch the last part though because i didn't want to be an emotional wreck for the rest of the day at work and have heard stories].  The cat is super adorable. I practiced my Viola for the first time in a really long time and it felt nice--like visiting an old friend. I ate lots and lots and lots of cake and cooked delicious asparagus.  I have no idea why asparagus is so fucking good, but it's really fucking good. Current Mood: bitchy

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June 17th, 2009

01:37 pm - Ugh Obama is really pissing me off lately, guys. Fei chang bu hao! it's disappointing to know that politics will always be politics and rhetoric will always just be rhetoric and that it will always take years and years and years for anything to get done and be improved. Current Mood: disappointed

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June 15th, 2009

09:18 pm - Surely Awesome The plan for this past weekend was for me to head to Ypsilanti late Saturday night after I got off work and spend the night.  I get to Ypsi and Ed had made dinner for us.  Ridiculous.  Sunday we were planning on going to a nearby farm where you can pick your own berries and we were going to get a bunch of strawberries and make strawberry jam and various strawberry-themed desserts while dancing in his kitchen with the windows open, but the farm ended up being closed.  I blame Jesus, but I suppose it could have been for other reasons.  So we instead stopped at a nearby greenhouse advertising Michigan Strawberries, but neither one of us were really feeling it, but the greenhouse was HUGE so we walked around all the different areas and found some pretty cool plants.  This was followed by reading on the banks of the Huron River and then playing frisbee in the park, in which we caught the attention of a random pitbull who was pretty much the most adorable animal I have ever seen.  After he was rolling around the grass and playing with us a little bit, he made a dash for my water bottle which was by all our stuff under a nearby tree and he ran off with it!  After a rigorous chase, the pitbull's owner was finally able to get the bottle back from him and he was a very pleasant person.  We continued playing frisbee while the sun was setting before heading back to his place and making dinner and talking until 2 in the morning. It was such an effing ridiculously 'perfect' weekend it kind of turns me into an uncontrollable 12 year old girl if I think about it too much.  It's really weird feeling genuinely happy about something, guys.  I don't know how to handle it.  This upcoming weekend he's going to make the trip over this way so that he can meet my cats.  I'm pretty excited about that.  My cats are pretty awesome.  I think the whole meeting parentals thing is goin to be happening really soon too.  I actually think my mom is really excited about meeting him.  It's kind of adorable.  This is real, and is actually happening! /12yearoldgirl I think i've gotten a total of about 13 hours of sleep in the last three nights, so I plan on devoting the rest of the night to the series finale of Pushing Daisies (fei chang bu hao! this fact makes me so very very sad, still) and the season premiere of True Blood before calling it a night.  The rest of this week is going to be really tough to get through, I think. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Partie Traumatic - Black Kids

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June 10th, 2009

05:27 pm - Cricket This is going to be super lame and cheesy and probably borderline disgusting, but I have to get all 12 years old and gush to my online journal because I have come to the realization that as of late I don't really have any local people that I can rely on to actually talk to about these kinds of things and I feel the need to work through some of these thoughts and maybe putting them down will help make more sense out of some of it.  Plus my LiveJournal is kind of a joke now anyway, so whatevs. So it has been over four years since my last relationship [first week of April 2005 is when we broke up] and since then things in that arena have been pretty much nonexistent.  I made a conscious effort to not date the following school year so that I could focus on making new friends and doing better in school and getting my life back on track.  And that was reasonably successful.  At that point, I definitely felt like I had come to a point where I was over the relationship that so consumed my freshmen year.  It was summer and I was going back to my second year at Cedar Point where I became friends with someone from the town and we had a nice little summer fling type thing, but it certainly wasn't any sort of real relationship as we knew things weren't going to continue after the summer.  It was fun and it was lovely but we were very different people and it would never have been some meaningful-type thing anyway.  So there was that. The rest of my schooling continued a *very* limited streak of first dates and a complete lack of second dates, some because I wasn't really feeling it, but mostly because i never ended up hearing back from the other person despite feeling some sort of chemistry and having a really enjoyable time.  I was still trying to find my footing in school though [something that I don't think ever really happened, and something I'm still trying to find] and it wasn't something I could afford to put lots of time and energy into [even though I think i was ultimately unsuccessful in that and ended up dwelling on it much more than I should have/would like to admit].  I think my final two years at Miami were way too overcome with despondency and angst which is really ridiculous and immature, but whatever.  it's over and done with.  That last relationship had really played havoc on me in a wide variety of ways that I still seem to be uncovering. So we come to today.  Or, rather about a month ago.  It has been 4 years since my last relationship, there is some internet activity happening, but not really anything too exciting and not really anything that ends up turning out to be anything.  But then I get a message that changed everything.  It was a simple message, but also complimentary.  He called me adorable and kind of rambled a bit and it was cute.  I ended up responding back with a ridiculously long and even more rambly message.  That continued for a while.  Until he let me know that he had started going on a couple of dates with someone and while it wasn't anything official, he wanted to see where it went and wasn't into dating more than one person at once.  Which I totally get and wouldn't want any part of that anyway.  So I was sad because we seemed to hit it off as much as two people who hadn't met possibly could.  But very shortly thereafter he messaged me again telling me that things weren't going how he thought they would with this other person and we continued our long and rambly flirtations until we met. It's going to sound completely ridiculous but I was very comfortable right from the start.  I'm usually shy and quiet and quite awkward when meeting new people, but we instantly hit it off and I was completely overwhelmed by how attracted to him I was.  We had a great day.  We spent a lot of time at an arcade playing random games and shooting dinosaurs and yelling things at the top of our lungs in excitement and passion at the dinosaurs we were killing at the arcade.  We also spent a lot of time just walking around and talking.  I feel as though I probably had never had such a fulfilling conversation in my entire life.  We talked about everything and nothing at all.  We had no problem conversing back and forth and there was a lot of laughing and there was a lot of deep conversation that I would never expect to be talking about with someone I didn't really know.  But it was mutual and he was even more surprised by it than I was.  But it worked.  We had a simple kiss goodnight and that was that. But now, the real point is that shortly afterwards, after spending more time together we decided to make it 'official.'  And somehow I find myself with a boyfriend feeling things that I have never felt before and not really feeling like there are people I can share this with.  But I really really want to.  So many of my friends have never known me to be in a relationship, and it's a different experience.  It's a great thing that we have and I'm still completely in shock by it.  It was completely unexpected and it happened all so quickly, but it feels right and this is the first time I have ever been completely confident that the feelings between me and another person are completely mutual. His name is Ed, or Eddie, or Edward, or lately I've been calling him Cricket.  I'm not entirely sure why, actually.  He's 27 years old [I've always seemed to have a thing for guys a little older than me....they're just so much more put together and mature].  He's a little shorter than me [which I really love], dark haired, hazel eyes, usually rather scruffy, we have very similar senses of humor and we tend to laugh a lot.  Despite him being a little older than me, I feel like we really relate to each other because we still happen to be in pretty similar stages in life right now.  He has had a tumultuous history, especially towards the end of high school and the following years in which he was essentially on his own and didn't have the support of his family, so his schooling has been a little delayed.  He has finished his major in Economics [which knowing how he's really more of an artsy person I still find rather intriguiging and kind of funny--he loves to draw and write.  He write's A LOT and it's quite good] and he will be finishing up a minor in Linguistics at the end of the fall semester at U of M.  He's intelligent.  We have a similar taste in movies.  He's really passionate about music.  We don't listen to the same music, really, but we're equally passionate and I  think that's the important part.  And our music isn't so different that there isn't some compatibility.  He's also a reader, which I can't help but find attractive.  I have met a lot of his friends, and they are some seriously incredibly delightful people.  And they seem to really like me, which is important and fantastic and we get along really well.  He's a cat person [big bonus points!] and likes to cook and bake.  It seems really easy for us to be able to have a really good time while in each other's company, no matter what we're doing.  And how comfortable we are with each other just completely blows my mind. He has a good friend currently living in Chicago.  He was planning on visiting her at the end of the month so they could go to Chicago Pride together, but it happens to also be my birthday, so now I think for my birthday I'm going to be whisked away to a city I love [and I'm going to force him to see The Neo-Futurists with me because they are AMAZING and i miss them and I'm sure he will love just as much as I do] and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say this will be the best birthday I've had in a long time.  Especially considering last year my birthday consisted entirely of doing laundry and talking to myself.  Trips can also be a dealbreaker though I have learned.  Earlier this year there was someone I had gone on a couple of dates with and we got along well enough [it never felt like this though] and then I had to go down to Miami to get some books and I got to visit with some friends which was lovely.  But since that trip we haven't really talked again.  He just kind of disappeared.  It was a bit of a disaster.  I'm not entirely sure why, but it became very apparent that there was no way we could spend that much time together and the ways in which we were different became very very clear.  Ed is not someone that would disappear, I'm not worried about that.  But at that point we will still have not known each other a terribly long time and it seems possible maybe some red flags will appear.  I kind of don't think so, though.  I think it's going to be a lot of fun and I'm really excited about the possibility. [except that we really wanted to take the train, but damn! that shit is expensive!  america really needs to hop on the public transportation bandwagon, so i'll probably just drive.] And while things between us seems really great and in this really scary way, kind of 'perfect,' I do have my own internal worries.  I feel that a lot of what I'm going through now with Ed mirrors so much of the beginning of my previous relationship.  Things started really fast and there was very much this mutual admiration and attraction for each other.  I was kind of on my own and relied on him for friends and the entirety of my social circle.  I ended up becoming way too dependent so that when things started to go awry, I didn't really have anyone to turn to.  I was ignoring my other responsibilities so that we could spend more time together, and I fear what might result if this repeats itself again.  I really can't imagine Ed cheating on me, though.  But I also would never have expected that from Bill.  I did definitely learn things from that experience though and I can't say that I'm entirely ignoring all of that.  There have already been a couple of occassions where we both had off the same days and resorted to not hanging out so that we could get some work done.  But neither one of us ended up really accomplishing anything and we talked for hours and hours [this STILL blows my mind.  I can't recall ever having a phone conversation longer than like...10 minutes].  So this kind of stuff still kind of worries me.  I know I can't repeat what happened with Bill.  I can't become too dependent on him for a social life and I can't get so caught up on that aspect of life that I forget about everything else I want to do with my life.  Much like freshmen year at university, this is a very tenuous time of my life.  Things are changing and decisions need to be made.  I still want to move out west in the fall, but finding a job is proving very very difficult as one might expect.  Ed knows that I want to move out there.  And it would be hard because he's not going to be available to make the same move.  But, if things are still going well as I expect them to, it's not completely out of the question.  He'll be done with school in december and his lease runs out in january so it seems possible he could potentially make such a move himself.  He doesn't really seem all that tied down to michigan, anyway.  But I guess that's a lot of ifs. This is completely ridiculous and probably isn't stuff that should just be made available so easily online, but I really felt the need to 'talk' through some of this stuff.  I'm really excited about the possibilities and I hope things turn out well.  I have no idea why anyone would be reading this, but if you are, thanks.  i do think i feel better getting all of this out there.  I'm just really excited, and i don't want to have to hold this kind of stuff in anymore. Current Mood: happy Current Music: The New Pornographers - Go Places | Powered by Last.fm

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April 4th, 2009

06:31 pm - JUST KIDDING GUYS it didn't end up happening. but we're not really surprised, right?

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12:14 pm - So I might have a date tonight? I don't know if i remember how these things work. Current Location: Ann Arbor, MI Current Mood: surprised

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March 15th, 2009

07:38 pm - OH EM GEE! I am so frickin' impatient! I want my new camera to arrive, damnit! my other camera broke over the summer, and i guess it wasn't really all that great anyway.  i ended up finding a really super great deal on a pretty nice camera and ended up splurging on it since i've been really good about saving up my money recently.  I don't have anything happening in my life right now that's worth taking pictures of anyway, but I just really like new toys and its been chilling in the detroit postal office for a couple of days now and still isn't scheduled to arrive until friday.  but I want it nao! that's what i get for choosing free shipping i guess. Current Location: i hate michigan Current Mood: impatient

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March 2nd, 2009

02:42 am - These are the things I think about If I was a dying kid who got to have one last wish, I think it would be to go to a Cusack family get-together where there is lots and lots of booze.  I mean, they'd be a fuckin' riot, right? Especially Joan and her sass-factor.  I get excited just thinking about the mere possibility.

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February 16th, 2009

03:14 am Apparently the U.S. Department of Education double-billed me this month for my monthly student loan payment with zero explanation.  Needless to say, my bank account is not very happy right now.  Plus it says I still owe the regular amount at the beginning of next month. At this rate it will be nearly impossible for me to save enough money to move across the country to happier places.

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January 2nd, 2009

11:33 pm - Best of 2008 This is a little late in the coming, but I have compiled three "Best of" lists for 2008 that I have published to my tumblr to which I will provide links: Best Books, Film, and Music.  Each comes with a pretty lengthy caveat and hopefully I won't be judged too harshly ;-) I'm not claiming to be a professional, after all.

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November 20th, 2008

11:44 pm - I'm Not Making This Up, but I Wish I Was [cross-posted with my Tumblr] I didn't want to have to bring this up.  I really didn't.  It's just too much.  Too embarrassing.  But it's been happening for a couple of nights now and maybe airing out all my dirty laundry will help get it off my conscious and this will stop happening.  PLEASE make it stop happening! As a preface, it is INCREDIBLY rare for me to remember my dreams.  I go years and years between that happening sometimes [excepting the one dream I get every single year without fail around the time of my birthday.  It's been happening since I was three and I wish someone could tell me what it means].  But for the last couple of nights I have been having super vivid and super bizarre dreams about going on dates with Michael Phelps, and it's seriously wigging me out.  I mean, I'm sure he's a lovely person [and I'm also sure he's quite socially awkward], but the Olympics were several months ago and I was never all that 12-year-old-girl about him in the first place like the rest of the world seemed to be [although I certainly won't deny a *complete* indifference.  he has a nice bod and there's no shame in that].  Since that time I guess I've only seen him on SNL [a sad sad day] and he has recently popped up in commercials dancing around in his underwear holding a fake guitar [that IS him, right?], but I have no idea why this has just started happening.  In all of these dreams, we end up having a super good time together--laughing is definitely something that's very vivid in these exchanges and this one rather touching scene that plays out in my car.  Oh.  Right.  And the other thing.  He's never wearing a shirt or pants.  Not.  Even.  Joking. Okay.  Fine.  It doesn't have to stop happening. I guess I'll find a way and manage to survive.  This makes me wonder though, do I really need to get laid *that* badly?

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November 17th, 2008

04:03 pm - I <3 Magnus Having grown up with cats all my life and having a slight aversion to dogs, if I didn't work in a place in which I pretty much do nothing but deal with dogs all day long, I never in a million years thought I would ever say this, but I REALLY want an effing Doberman Pinscher.  Like, REAL bad.  All of the ones that come through here [and believe me, there are QUITE a few] are the most beautiful and sweetest animals I have ever encountered.  It makes me sad that dogs can be inflicted with stereotypes just like people, and that there are stupid people who do stupid things to their dogs.  But seriously....they are amazing.  Other dogs I have fallen in love with: Brittany's and Border Collies.  Border Collies have way too much energy though so I would never want to own one, but they are very entertaining and very pretty.  And I have always liked Huskies and Corgis [although, I would also never want to own Huskies because they are also way too destructive for me].

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November 16th, 2008

07:45 pm I realize that I probably say this a lot, but I really thought that this time would be different.  This time, I really thought something could happen and when he said he had a good time and wanted to hang out again, we would.  Each and every time I say it, I truly deeply mean it and believe it though.  That’s what makes it rough.  I mean, even if nothing romantic or whatever happened [which in this case would still make me sad because I saw some signs of potential, but whatevs], if we get along and have fun together, why are guys so incredibly against continuing to hang out and just be friends? In other news, this seems super shallow and bad, but I ended up going to a funeral today pretty much solely based on the fact that I wanted an excuse to get out of my room and be in the presence of other people.  I’m really glad I went though, and it was nice being able to see some of my family again. I also found out today that my most favorite and pretty ridiculously awesome uncle has an apartment in DC that is being provided by the government.  He probably spends less than a third of his time in DC [being permanently based in Washington near Hanford], so I need to get some details.  If nobody else is using it while he’s not there and there’s nothing of like…high security or something in there haha [but seriously.  I wouldn’t surprised if there was], I totally want in on that.  I love DC and I miss going there for things, and it would be great to have an excuse to hang out there sometime and not have to spend cashmoney.

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November 15th, 2008

11:44 pm - Since when has Miami U been cool? WTF!!!!?????? Paul Rudd and Andy Samberg are wearing Miami University shirts on SNL tonight.  I would let paul rudd in my miami shirts anytime.  dreamboat! it’s kind of weirding me out seeing them.  especially since they mentioned paul rudd’s character being on the hockey team.  I really effing miss Miami hockey. EDIT: Now he’s naked and making gay innuendo’s.  The sketch is stupid, but I’m totally okay with it.  I mean, he’s naked.  Paul Rudd is. DREAMeffingBOAT

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November 14th, 2008

11:19 pm - This Passed being Stupid and is almost back to being Funny So yesterday, thursday, I kind of had a 'date.'  Although, before it happened it was never referred to as a date specifically.  It was a brunch date though.  Kind of weird, right? I've never been on a brunch date before, but it was grand.  He did start off one sentence with "The reason why I wanted to go on this date with you..." and then he said a bunch of awesome things.  I don't let things like that slip by me.  The entire experience was awesome though.  We ate at this really cool place that was apparently featured on Oprah as having the best grilled cheese in america [we both got breakfast though.  I appreciate a man who can appreciate breakfast].  It was super tiny and quaint and neighborhoodly and exactly the kind of place I wish I found myself in all the time.  We kind of made friends with the two ladies sitting behind us.  Then we just walked around a lot and talked and he said more awesome things and I said what I thought were probably some pretty awesome things and things seemed comfortable.  We went to a bookstore and after perusing the aisle of vegan recipes, then moving to magazines, then meandering through romance [with reading aloud!] and fiction, we sat comfortably in my favorite aisle--essays on one side [mostly humorous and people that would likely be found contributing to NPR's This American Life] and on the other side "Cultural Studies" which is mostly books like PostSecret and Miranda July's Learning to Love You More and just browsed through books, sometimes quietly, sometimes commenting on things we saw, sometimes talking about ourselves and people we relate to.  He, what felt to me, quite deliberately positioned himself just so so that his leg was exquisitely touching mine.  Maybe I'm overreacting in thinking that could possibly mean that things were probably going pretty well, but I feel like in that kind of situation in which you're possibly on a 'date' you are hyper-aware of such things and he would have moved if that wasn't his intention.  I sure as hell wasn't going to move.  I was getting kind of fluttery.  But somehow I did very well remaining composed I feel.  But maybe I'm biased. I was feeling really good about it.  But now not so much.  When I'm left to my own thoughts I can't help but doubt and feel self-deprecating.  Especially since i'm pretty sure he said "I'll call you tonight" before we parted ways. I know I probably just need to give it more time and I'm reading way too much into things because I always do and I know that he is very busy and is in process of dealing with a lot of *other* stuff that is very consuming mentally and physically [thankfully, not a recent previous relationship that I'm aware of! About time I meet someone who's not on the rebound and actually seems to have his shit together and head on straight] but still.  I worry.  This has been a recurring pattern of the past 4.5 years and I can't help but assume nothing is going to change after the 24-hour high wears off.  In all that time, I never got a chance at a second date [outside of Sean, but those were never 'dates' as there was the whole he's-on-the-rebound-and-only-wants-to-be-friends thing so I don't feel right counting him in with the others]. I definitely still feel hopeful because I truly do think that it went pretty well [okay.  well I thought it went very well] and that he was being sincere, but at the same time, I won't be entirely surprised if the joke is on me. I have to work tomorrow morning.  At 6.  In the morning.  that kind of makes me sad.  I worked early this morning too and hardly got any sleep last night, and yet I'm still not feeling very sleepy.  I have too much on my mind [even well above and beyond this whole matter, believe it or not].  I should have planned better and taken some NyQuil a couple of hours ago...if I take it now I doubt I would wake up when my alarm goes off in 5 hours. Current Location: my bed Current Mood: awake Current Music: i've been in silence a lot lately. maybe that's part of the problem Tags: gays

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October 30th, 2008

11:46 pm - I want to go dancing There are a lot of things that I probably could be updating about, and maybe this weekend or something I will.  But for now, I'm getting annoyed with the internet and just want to share one quick thought. I have come to the realization that my desperation for some kind of a life that might involve getting me out of my room and with the chance to maybe once in a while actually talk to someone who wasn't related to me or a coworker has me seriously considering making an ad on CraigsList for a 'queer-friendly female companion.'  I refuse to use the word faghag because that just seems demeaning to everyone involved.  But essentially, yes...that.  I never would have thought of this on my own, but Cole jokingly mentioned it, but you know what...I'm starting to seriously consider it.  While I do hope that maybe something *could* come out of it, if anything I should at least get some entertaining responses, right?  Any comments/suggestions/advice? I would just love to have someone that I can kind of be more of myself around, someone who might have a similar taste in things [if they could double as a concert and movie-going buddy even better!], and someone who might actually encourage me to leave my damn room once in a while and act as that other person who might be able to encourage me to actually go to the bar or club with every once in a while.  Although writing this out I'm starting to seriously have doubts because it sounds rather shallow and like it could border on just using another person. Nothing says desperate quite like craigslist afterall. I'm thinking of maybe requesting someone who has big boobs and likes to wear shiny things because gays seem to really love their shiny things and things they shouldn't actually like. What to do, what to do? --bmc Current Location: my room Current Mood: lonely Current Music: yeasayer

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October 18th, 2008

08:37 pm - It's Like I'm Receiving a Fisting of Cosmic Proportions As of yesterday I made the wonderful realization that among all of the people I have any kind of reasonable contact with, I have been single the longest and that thought hasn't been treating me too kindly.  Despite being a rather 'old-fashioned' kind of person [circumstances allowing as much as possible...], I really haven't been able to have a mutual emotional connection with anyone in years and years but instead have thrown myself into the path of being the rebound person time and time again, to no fault of theirs as they have always made it clear how things stand and me being the one who is always hoping for just a little bit more [2 instances over the past few months alone of varying degrees of intensity come to mind especially].  It is impossible for me to maintain any kind of distance with someone that I end up feeling an attraction towards even when i know it would be in the best interest.  While I would like to think that becoming more emotionally involved than i should be is only hurting me, truth of the matter is that's not true because the people I end up liking are genuinely good people who end up caring about me too and end up feeling bad that I essentially get hurt by the inevitable ending and distancing that ends up happening.  And that *really* makes me feel shitty.  I am reasonably confident that things will turn around eventually, but seriously, the anticipation is killing me.  I know I have good things to offer in a relationship, and I don't understand why in all this time the timing still has never been right.  While being at school and being single was pretty difficult, now that I find myself in a place where the only people I even have the possibility of having real-life interactions with are my parents it is even more difficult.  How does one find other people their own age when they're the only person they know? I'm not about to start going to bars by myself...it's like you need to already know people in order to meet other people.  I really love a lot of the people I work with, but there just isn't the opportunity for real in-depth social interactions that really seem to be able to make any kind of real friendship possible.  Not to mention there's always the slight awkwardness of fumbling through the hierarchy. So really, how do things change from here? I want things to be different, I hate the mindset I have so often found myself in lately, but I just don't know what steps to take to do anything about it.  When starting someplace 'new' and genuinely not knowing other people in the area, just what does one do to meet people--be it friends or maybe even something a little bit more? I have been watching a lot of "The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman" lately and I wish you were too.  The show is pure genius. Current Location: My bed is warm and soft and covered in cats Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Voxtrot

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